I haven't posted in awhile. I think mostly because life was just too crazy and sometimes even miserable.   Two of The Littles returned home a little over a week ago.  Although I am certain that they didn't return to a safe environment I have to admit I was glad to see them go.  The past six months have been beyond crazy.  Batman and Peanut were a lot to handle on a daily basis.  It's so sad that such little, inocent children can be so transformed due to parental neglect.  Most days I woke up to Batman screaming at the top of his lungs because he didn't want to get dressed (or some other menial request.)  The day then progressed with fighting, whining, complaining, crying, screaming and tantrums.  As soon as Batman started to calm down a bit Peanut came out of her shell and really gave a new meaning to the "terrible twos."  Again I know they are just children but dealing with them day in and day out was traumatizing for me.

In the end the judge decided they could return to their parents but she didn't feel confident that they were ready to parent Mr. M due to his special needs.  I'm not sure how that works, sending two home but not the third.  Needless to say we are thrilled that he is going to remain in care at least until January's next court date.  For him that means 3 more months of therapy where he will continue to thrive.  Life at our home has calmed down considerably and I am enjoying spending my days with Mr. M.

He is almost 11 months old and has made so many gains in the last 6, almost 7 months.  He is a beautiful baby and such a joy to love on.  I really don't think his parents are ever going to be able to provide for his needs the way he deserves but our system is one that favors birthparent rights to the detrament of children.  At some point I'm going to put all my thoughts on the system into writing, people need to know what is happening in our state.  It's so beyond broken I believe it's criminal.

Our foster care journey continues to move forward never knowing the whens or how's or whys.  It's a journey that has so many forks in the road and most of the time the direction isn't clear.   We will continue to navigate this adventure with the Lord as our pilot knowing that even when a system is so broken he is the one who is in control and each of these children are His.

Lazy days.....I think not.

Baby boy is here again for a few days and nothing about this week can qualify as the "lazy days of summer."  Although I am sitting down to write this post despite the fact that I have 5 kids running around playing and screaming and a baby entertaining himself on the floor so I guess not every moment is crazy.  It's great to see them all play well together and even better that I don't have to entertain them.  It's not so great when they start fighting and I have to step in and redirect.  The noise level is nuts and there are toys everywhere, which totally unnerves me.  I can't seem to get the laundry situation under control because each time I try to go upstairs to sort everything and put it away a fight breaks out.  So today I decided to just let it go and be present near the kids so I can help them navigate their playtime. Baby boy and Batman enjoy playing together but really struggle to share and cooperate with one another. Bubba also has a hard time getting everyone on the same page when trying to play a game, it just doesn't work when everyone wants to play their own way.  Peanut pretty much stays away from the boys and focuses her attention on Mr. M and Goose.  She loves to play with Goose and Goose is a great little mommy to her.  My heart swells with pride when I see her playing with Peanut and I can hear them laughing and enjoying themselves.  My time here is over, a request has been made that I go pick up the dog poop so they can play in the yard.  It's not a glorious job but it is a blessed one.

Summer time fun

Summer is here and our days are jam packed with activities.  Goose and Bubba our moving up, so long first and third grades, hello second and fourth!

Bubba tuned seven on the 16th, I can't believe how the time has flown.  He ties his shoes and can read and do math.  Just a few weeks ago he learned how to ride his bike without the training wheels.  He continues to love baseball and is such a joy in our lives!

Mommy and Bubba on his birthday

All star game!

The littles have been here just shy of three months.  I feel like it's been longer but that's probably because I'm so busy everyday all day.  Mr. M is doing really well and continues to make gains everyday.  He has rolled over a few times and is sleeping better for naps and at night.  Batman is having a harder time these days.  He is just so conflicted about being here away from his mom and dad.  His behavior shows us just how hard it is for him.

Here he is sporting his favorite mask.

Peanut is gaining more confidence everyday and now loves Big daddy.  She wants to do everything the big kids are doing and keeps up pretty well. She still struggles with night terrors which is so sad.  I just wish I knew what she was thinking.

Each day is filled with laughter, joy, crying, tears and lots of togetherness.  I do love summer!

What a weekend.....we survived!

Baby boy was here all weekend.  He is as tall as Bubba now so not such a "baby" anymore but that's how he will remain in my heart.  It was so good to see him. He really seemed so excited to be here.  He and Batman got along pretty well which was great. Bubba loved having his "brother" here for the weekend too.  All in all it went well, except for Baby boy biting Bubba, Bubba's black eye and......Bubba swallowing a penny.

We had our family over on Sunday and Monday and it was great to enjoy one another.  Everyone is so supportive of our family (as crazy as it is.)  It was really crazy walking through the hallway on my way to bed.  I just stopped at each closed door and thought "two little ones in that room, two in this room, one in this one, and one in this one."  How blessed we are to have the room.  I also felt blessed that all six went to sleep before 10 p.m. each night.

Big Daddy is now done with school for a week and a half, it's such a relief to have him home to help.  I was able to go and get a pedicure today and have my eyebrows threaded.  You know it's bad when the lady doing your toes asks "you want me to wax your eyebrows too?"  I didn't even tell her my next stop was the eyebrow place.  I didn't want to admit I was going somewhere else.  Now I have pretty toes and shaped brows, bring on the kids!

The littles have a visit tomorrow while Goose and Bubba are at school so Big Daddy and I are going on a lunch date.  I couldn't be more thrilled to actually have some time with just the two of us.  We are also going to a PTA fundraising even this weekend.  Two dates in one week, I must be spoiled.  It probably won't happen again for a few months so I'll take it.

Goose has started swim team this week, practicing every night.  I'm so glad the homework this last week of school has been light.  There just isn't enough time after school to play outside, go to a practice, eat dinner, do homework and be in bed by 8.  I really cherish the 8 o'clock bedtime, I some days I look forward to it from the time we get up.

I've started potty training Peanut and let's just say she's winning.  I know so many people have so many ideas/thoughts about potty training.  Some say wait unit they are ready, some say you should let your child lead the way. Well, I guess I don't fit into that group.  Kids get trained around here when we decide they are ready, and when a kid can tell you they pooped and then go get you a diaper and lay down to get changed, I think they are ready.  Now that being said I know that her life is so hard right now and potty training is just another stress.  The reality is I don't know when her life won't be stressful.  It's one more skill she could have under her belt when she is returned because it might not be something her birth parents commit to and help her with.  We are only two days into and I can already tell this isn't going to be easy.  She's the type of kid who will sit on the potty for quite awhile without complaining and then when you let her off and put the pull up on she pees immediately.  It's as if she's letting us know she is in charge of her bathroom functions.   The truth is she's right, it is one of the few things in her life she has control over.  you can't make someone go potty and you can't make them eat.  Often foster kids have issues with both.

Anyway, we will be consistent and offer rewards when she is successful and hopefully she will be trained by the time she's 4!

A crazy week

Our life has been totally crazy since the littles have arrived.  I guess that is to be expected.  I'll admit, I'm tired.  Mr. M had two doctor appointments this week and is now hopefully going to be seen by a neurologist.  I missed his therapy appointment on Monday because I was at the doctor getting my allergy shot.  Total mommy brain scheduling two things at the same time. Bubba and Goose continue to suffer terrible allergies and even after a week of eye drops are not finding relief.  I had Bubba back at the doctor on Tuesday to see what we can do to help.  Batman is in underwear this week and is doing really well other then the accident he had this afternoon.  Peanut is getting sick and has a terrible diaper rash she doesn't really want me to treat.  Our basement took in water again due to the rain which always makes doing laundry a nightmare. I brought up a load to put away and I'm not really even sure it was clean.  I can't smell so sniffing it didn't help.  I too am starting to feel sick and worry that if I am down for the count things will really get out of control.  We are headed into a three day weekend and have several family get togethers planned at our home so I pray we can all stay healthy.  Baby boy is coming for the weekend.  We haven't seen him in several months.  I'm anticipating a crazy weekend with six kids under our roof.  Despite all the stress I feel so blessed to have all that I do.  God continues to provide us with strength and energy to keep going.  There are days I say to myself "I'm not doing anything today," but in the end I find the energy to empty the dishwasher and reload it, do another load of laundry, wash all the bottles, spend time with Mr.M working on tummy time, get everyone loaded into the car for yet another doctor appointment, and make sure Goose and Bubba have their homework done. As evening approaches and I just want to relax I'm quickly reminded that someone has a game or a lesson, the kids need to eat, and five little bodies have to be bathed.  The kids didn't even see Big Daddy yesterday because he was at work late, Goose was most upset about missing her daddy.  I was in bed when he came home so we didn't even really connect either.  He just got home from work, dropped off some food for dinner and was out the door to take Bubba to swim lessons.  When Bubba returns he will be going straight to baseball practice and then Big Daddy will take Goose to her softball game. I don't think the Littles will see daddy today either. Right now we have too much going on and I keep trying to figure out how to simplify our life.  Swim lessons are ending this week (thank God.)  Bubba will have karate through June and baseball goes until July.  Goose will have Softball through June and will start swim team at the beginning of June.  I anticipate the Littles will be here this fall so I'm already thinking ahead.  We just can't keep up this schedule.  The plan is for Goose to do swim lessons through the school year and that's it.  Bubba will do karate.  One activity for each kid will be enough.  I would love to sign Batman up for soccer but we will see how everything is going. It's so hard to find balance. These days we seem too busy to really enjoy each other as a family.  Hopefully this summer we will be able to slow down a bit, or at least at the end of July and August we will.  Then the new school year will begin and it starts all over.  I'm really looking forward to this summer.  I love having Goose and Bubba home with me.  I know entertaining 5 kids all summer isn't going to be easy but having them home all day will be a blessing.  We plan to go to the pool a lot, after Big Daddy is home from work, so I only have to take three kids.  I'm sure we will go to the zoo and parks, and the kids are looking forward to our second trip to Great America (without the Littles.)  We had hoped to go on several camping trips but I'm not sure that is happening with 5 kids and 2 dogs.  We shall see though, maybe the spirit will move us, or we will all need to get the heck out of Dodge.  I'm finishing this post on Friday morning and I'm so thankful the weekend is here.

Mr. M is 6 months old!

We saw him turn 4 months, then 5 months and now he is half a year old.  He really is the sweetest baby and so cuddly.  He is going to have to overcome many challenges but we hope to help him continue to grow and thrive.  He is getting stronger everyday and is making progress.  He has two teeth and weighs close to 17 pounds.  He loves his hands and discovered his feet.  He has rolled over a few times but seems to be concentrating on his feet right now so hasn't rolled in a few days.  He loves eating his fruit but isn't a big fan of his veggies.  He smiles and laughs when you play with him but still isn't looking at faces.  He is talking and cooing and definitely let's me know when he's tired or hungry.  He still doesn't sleep through the night (I'm hoping that is coming soon.)  He is just a joy and so easy to love.

Here he is with big sister playing with his Giraffe.

I find myself always needing to explain our family situation lately.  I don't know why but when people see or hear that I have five kids under the age of 9 they start to give me all sorts of praise. At that point I feel the need to explain, they aren't all mine.  But really at this point right now they are all "mine."  I know I don't share biology with any of them, and the adopted two are definitely MINE but the three fosters are "mine" right now too.  It's only been two months that they have lived in my home but I can honestly say I love them.  It isn't a fake love where I'm just saying it, it's a real love.  The kind of love a mother feels for her children, the ones God has entrusted to her care.  When the littles first arrived I didn't sing them bedtime prayers (the ending is always 'I love you.")  Interestingly enough my husband did.  I felt like I couldn't sing our bedtime ritual unless I meant it.  I tucked them in and wished them a good night, even game them kisses, but didn't say "I love you."  I guess I take those three little words seriously.  When you think about it there are only a few people you say that to on a daily basis.  I know God has gifted me with the kind of heart that loves easily but I waited to say those words until I meant it.  Mr. M came first, how could he not. It's so easy to love a baby.  He's Innocent and sweet, a good baby the majority of the time.  He smiles when I talk to him and seems to settle when I hold him.  What's not to love about a baby.  With Batman and Peanut it took me longer. They have a strong attachment to their parents and Batman doesn't even call me mom.  They are prone to crying and tantrums and their behaviors are harder.  But Peanut calls me 'Mommy" and when I hold her now she puts her head on my shoulder.  She prefers me over anyone else and asks for me when I'm not there.  When she wakes up crying in the middle of the night she asks for me and at this point I'm the only one who can calm her. She wants me to hold her and comes to me when she is upset. I'll admit she has won my heart over.  Her beautiful brown eyes and soft spoken words could melt an iceberg.  Batman came into our home ready for love.  He longs to be cuddled and begs to be held.  At four years old, and with two littler ones in my care, it's not always easy to pick him up when he asks.  He gets mad often and expresses his disdain for what he thinks you have done wrong.  He is quick to anger and often melts down at the simplest things, but in the end he has won my heart too.  I can cuddle him and make him smile.  When I leave the house he cries and even if I've only been gone for a short time he runs up to me and tells me how much he misses me.  He still needs so much assurance and love even at four and especially because he is away form the only mom and dad he has ever known.  Each of these kids over a two month period have found their way deep into my heart.  I know they will return at some point to their mom and dad but right now I am the Mommy. So I guess I shouldn't feel the need to explain our situation. I am a mommy to five kids and yes it's a lot.  Loving on a child and giving them all that they need isn't easy day in and day out but it's what I feel called to do.  Love doesn't always come easy but I find that it does come, even when they aren't "yours."

Mr. M working on his tummy time.  It's not his favorite but I see improvements all the time. He is putting more weight on his arms and even reaching a bit.  His head control on his tummy is so much better as well.  He is receiving occupational therapy and physical therapy for one hour each week, as well as developmental therapy twice a month and possibly developmental vision therapy too.  Needless to say he will be working hard.  He sees the eye doctor every few weeks and is scheduled to see a cardiologist the beginning of June.  I'm pretty sure he will need to see a neurologist at some point too.  This poor guy isn't even 6 months old yet!  He amazes me everyday with his strength and resilience.  

 Here are Peanut and Batman sharing some toys.  Batman is finally getting a grasp on colors.  It's great to see the smile on his face (which I can't show you) when he gets the color right.  

We are still working on counting. He will go in for a preschool screening next week so I'm hoping they will be able to refer him for services if he needs them.  He is definitely behind but I think it's mostly lack of exposure.  He too is making improvements everyday.

 Here is my fur baby Bear.  Enjoying a break from watching all these kids!

Batman turns 4!

Yesterday we celebrated Batman's birthday.  The day started with a trip to the park.  When the big kids got home from school, and after yet another doctor appointment, I blew up the kiddie pool.  When Big Daddy arrived home we packed everyone into the car for dinner.  Even though Batman was served a celebratory piece of cake, with sparkler and all, we still took a trip to Dairy Queen for ice cream. I wonder who's idea that was.  After everyone was on a serious sugar high we came home and Batman opened a few gifts.  All in all I think he had a great day but I know he was missing his family.

The weather here has finally turned to spring so we are outside as much as possible.  I'm glad the kids are getting time in the fresh air running around playing but I'm less then enthusiastic about their constant boo boos. I swear it seems that every five minutes I have a crying kid with a skinned knee or elbow.  I have never gone through so many bandaids in my life.  It's always nerve racking when a foster child gets hurt because they aren't actually "your" child.  I'm usually most worried that the injury will leave a huge mark or need emergency care. My husband and I joke "I hope that clears up by Thursday."  Thursday is the day they visit with their parents.  Obviously these kids came into care because their home situation was not good.  It takes a lot for DCFS to pull children from their home because it costs the state money.  Even knowing that makes us nervous that the birth parents will get upset about an injury they find on their child.  In reality I think I'm supposed to be documenting all of them but the truth is I just don't have the time.  I do usually explain to the case worker what happened when she comes to pick them up in case their mom or dad asks.  If a birth parent wanted to they could make a big deal about it and an otherwise accidental injury could cause an investigation.  I'm thankful that has never happened and so far, knock on wood, we haven't been to the emergency room with a serious injury.  Let's face it though kids do get hurt, especially if they play outside.  Our foster kids fall a lot more then the average kid, IMO.  I'm not sure why that is but I suspect there are some sensory issues going on with Batman, and Peanut is just young and wants to do everything the big kids are doing.  In the end the fresh air and play is good for them so the boo boos will keep coming all summer I'm sure.

It's Mother's Day Weekend

That's right I celebrate the whole weekend. Too bad no one else in the family does. On a normal Saturday I take care of kids and do chores around the house. We usually have a sporting event to attend for Goose or Bubba too.  But this Saturday, in honor of Mother's Day I......wait for it.....took care of kids and did chores around the house.  Well, I'm a mom right the job doesn't stop even if it is Mother's day.  The challenges of five kids continue even on a holiday.  Oh well, I asked for it right.

Although this past 8 weeks has been totally crazy with 5 kids I really wouldn't change a thing.  There have been so many struggles and stresses for every one of us, but there has been real joy as well. I can't say enough wonderful things about Goose who struggles with anxiety and other attachment/trauma issues.  I knew bringing in three new people to the family was literally going to rock her world.  I questioned our decision over and over, so fearful that our choice to Foster kids was going to effect her in an overwhelming amount of negative ways.  Boy was I wrong.  She has been amazing and such a wonderful help to me. She amazes me with her willingness to help and she steps up to the challenge of "oldest of five" with such grace.  Don't get me wrong she has had her struggles, and the words "I just want things to go back to normal" have come out of her mouth more then once, but she is working through the stress and conquering it day by day.

The Littles, as we call them, have adjusted really well considering their world has been turned upside down.  Slowly I have seen each of them become more comfortable in our home, letting certain guards down and beginning to open to our love.  I can't imagine what they must be thinking, how hard it must be to be away from mommy and daddy despite the fact that the environment was less then optimal. The trauma they are going through is real and fierce.

I just recently took a DCFS class for foster care training hours on trauma and it's effects on children.  As adults we often think that these things won't have long term effects on children, especially if they are young, but research shows that is not the case.  The good news is that when these kids are placed with caring foster families that know about trauma they have the best chance for recovery.  The behaviors of traumatized children can often be pretty extreme because of their history, so knowing this in advance and having stratigies to work with them, is essential.

So....that's what we are doing, working hard to provide them with a loving, consistent, nurturing environment that focuses on relationships rather then consequences when their behaviors are out of control.  It's not always easy and we fail often but as with all things it's a work in progress.

Welcome

My journey in adoption and foster care started just months after we were married in 2000. We decided to start trying for a family right away which wasn't happening nearly as fast as I wanted. We sought out help right away and were told to try for a year and if we didn't get pregnant come back. Well a year past and then some and still nothing.  We went back to the doctor who thought maybe I had a blocked tube due to a surgery I had when I was in 8th grade.  The fix would be surgery so in I went to fix my blocked tube.
After surgery I learned that my tubes were fine but instead I had stage two endometreosis.  I had no idea what that meant but felt positive that it had been removed and we were one step closer to starting a family.  The doctor told us we had a year to be more aggressive in our attempts to become pregnant so we should consider doing fertility treatments.  I then found a fertility specialist who preformed several tests and started me on my first round of medicine.  After several months I still wasn't pregnant so we moved to IUI shots.  I remember how awful the shots were, I literally ran around the house screaming because I didn't want my husband to give me the shot.  He finally caught me and the shot was administered.  We continued this course for about three months with no success.  The next step according to the fertility doctor was IVF.
My husband and I went home to consider our options.  We both felt IVF wasn't the right path for us and quickly started talking about adopting.  By this time two years had passed and I was desperate to become a mother.  I never really cared how it happened I just wanted a baby and I wanted it now.  So I started researching adoption.  I was so discouraged to discover how much it cost to adopt realizing that this new road wash't going to be fast.  After several months I learned about Catholic Charities and their domestic newborn adoption program, this path seemed to be a better financial fit for us then  international adoption or other domestic agencies.  So I called to sign up for their classes and was told we probably wouldn't be accepted for various reasons.  But the very next day I got a call that we could start taking PRIDE classes to become licenced foster parents (the first step to becoming adoptive parents.)  We spent the next 8 weeks going to class and learning all about foster care and adoption.  At that point we knew some day we would foster but the goal was to complete a domestic newborn adoption first.  We put together our birthmother letter and began our wait.
Meanwhile I signed up to go on a mission trip to Honduras with my dad.  We went at the end of January 2004. My trip to Honduras opened my eyes once again to the idea of adopted internationally and I desperately wanted to take home so many of the beautiful children I was blessed to meet.  When I came home I told my husband we should look into adoption from Central America. With in two days I had received a referral of a newborn baby girl in Guatemala and 5 months later she was home!
 I never would have guessed that God was going to bring our family together through international adoption or that I would be parenting children of a different race, from a different country.  Two years later we brought our son home from Guatemala.  Our life would never be the same.  Several months after our son was home we got our first foster care placement, an 8 week old baby boy. Our journey through foster care and adoption was well on it's way.
My hope is that I can use this blog to write about our experinces as foster and adoptive parents,  the joys and struggles.  I intend to be myself because that's all I can be.  I'm not a perfect parent and I make mistakes everyday with my kids, but I'm a real parent dealing with very real kids.  I hope I can be honest about what this journey is like and how I wouldn't change it for the world.